Tornados in My Mind

This evening I went to a meditations group for the first time in years.  I sat in a semi-crosslegged position while my left leg slowly went numb. Soon the panick set in. Oh my God, in about ten minutes we have to get up and do the walking meditation. What am I going to do? It will be a limping meditation. Maybe I'll fall on my ass. But I CAN NOT MOVE. Everyone will see. What have a gotten myself in to? How long has it been? How much more of this can I take? Really, I am sooooo bored.

Then....silencew. For about three seconds. No cars, no mind, no nothing. Not even legs to get numb. Not even the possibility that I could have left the stove on and my house is at this moment burning down. No worries. Nothing. And then......

What am I doing here? Lets recall every moment of the last Breaking Bad episode I watched. Those cars! Those noisy cars! How can anybody meditate with that noise? My God its hot in here. Oh the girl next to me moved, switched her legs around. Ha! What a wimp! But then again, if she did it maybe I can. Ahhh....panic again. The leg, the leg, the leg is starting to tingle. I cant control it. Its going to start to shake violently.I have to STOP it from moving. But that just makes the urge to shake it out more tempting. Oh God, Oh God, what am I going to do? Whose idea was this meditation thing anyway? Then....

Ahhhhh, silence again. The silence is like a balm. The silence invites a bliss to well up from who knows where, an ease to set in, all is well. And in the corner of this presence, is potential. Do we know what we are capable of? If we could get passed our churning mind. But then.....

The vortex continues. The crashing waves inside me. There is SO MUCH to learn. And in the middle of the silence my mind declares:

Why don't we check out transcendental meditation instead? This mindfulness just-sitting-here thing is way too random. I need a mantra I can chant, some incense to light, a candle to burn. Something. anything...borrrrrring.

Swirling thoughts. Swirling in and out of a glimpse of something so real, so vast, so exciting beyond myself yet clearly within. So much swirling that this meditation is starting to make me seasick. A good sign. Soil is being tilled. The weeds and worms exposed. A very good thing.