DauphineDreams: Writings About the Travels of Life

In 2005, I created this blog as a real time journal of my post-Katrina experience and have continued it to this day. The mini-essays, observations and little bits of "flash nonfiction" published here now span several continents and almost a decade of my life. I hope you enjoy them! Note: The entries are copyrighted and cannot be republished either in print or electronically without the written permission of the author.

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Location: Taos, New Mexico, United States

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Flock of Ravens

Both doors are open. This is my life now. There use to be the possibility of explosion around every corner but this is not a militarized zone that I live in now. It is a world between worlds. I have come from a somewhat solid place, a place of comfort I guess. Not safety really. A place where I knew what to expect. I knew how to tip toe and go unnoticed. I learned to be a witness to a smile or a smirk or a look of panic. Mostly I learned how to become invisible. I got use to heartbreak. No expectations. No future, at least of the one I had once dreamed of. I told those Brite Lites of possibility to lie still. Shhhh girls...don't speak. Lay low under the floorboards. Don't you dare come out of hiding. Don't imagine the possibilities that exist outside of these four walls, the ways you could use the simmering volcano of energy, ideas and heart-wisdom you have inside of you towards service to others, towards service towards your own soul. I was like a rat in a trap, biting her own tail, thinking this would save me from the impending gauntlet.
 
The body knows however. The body will eventually say NO- loud and clear like a warning wind just before the storm hits. The body is a flock of ravens that descend on the bare trees directly above. It tell of a window of time during which you can run for safety. Do it now! It says, with aches and pains and infections. With sleep that won't come. With a neck that stiffens to the touch.  With flu-like symptoms that persist beyond the binge the night before.  With teeth that fall out for no reason in response to stress that goes beyond what that partucular body is capable of handling.
 
Before the storm hits there is always a warning from nature. Before everything gets turned upside down again in a blur of panic and confusion, there is a murder of jet black birds, a stopping of the blood in the veins just before fight ot flight kicks in. Must it always be this way? I dont know.
 
All I know is that there is no safety in illusion.
 
There is no safety in being comfortable with pain. The storm will inevitably come and one can choose to run for safety or attempt to hide in plain sight. I can't control nature, even though I try. I can't control other humans either, even though I try to do that too.
 
In the end, there is nothing I can do or say that would turn the perspection the other has into anything other than what it has always been...a hurling tornado of anger, rage and denial. People see what they choose to see and respond accordingly. In this knowledge, there is hurting. There is pain. But for me at this moment, in the seeking of shelter in the warm, calm, cool air of my own life claimed again, there is no shame.
 
A person can point to the sky day after day after day, trying to get a blind man to see the black feathers ruffling in the wake of the pending storm.  But all that effort on the part of the other has nothing to do with if he will ever ever see them.
 
The gift of sight, of realization, is between the blind man and his own two eyes.
 

1 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

I really like this, I am remorseful that I am the antagonist of the story. Eloquently, this is my life now, one of burning center mass. A life of uncertainty, of spinning compass like after the snow-globe has been set down. Awakening from a dream that was fragmented, love me, love you, do this, don't do that, you know, why can't you see what I am feeling and thinking, what I need. You you you. me me me. No We. I want We. I want to not know where your hand ends. Words words words, they are so not communicative when in the wrong order for my ears. Close down, it will all be forgotten by morning....NOT. Error on error on error on error. No correction with love. Correct with hate and why didn't you know. Hate? No. I have no esteem because of your You Dont Get IT! I dont get it! I dont get it! Right, I don't get it. Damn words. Damn feelings. Damn trying to read in between lines. Why is life not simpler? Love, correct action and love. Do unto others. Love without expectation. Without expectation. I think there was. Future? concocted from an inner inaccessible vault? What can a dream be? A Future grown from inaction and non verbal snickers? Service toward others must be the others far away from the sharp sting of a forked tongue. Anger must be just below kindness and fighting for its turn, i have seen eyes with this stuff that makes my soul reach Pluto in a tear drop. I persevered. I thought I had the foundation for any storm thrown OUR way. I thought I could hold on tight and hold you from the gail. Why do we never get chances to try again? Why can we not really know another? soul this twin that, really? Not a believer anymore. I waited 12 years for a partner to give my life to, someone who needed me, I was sent here to give, I failed, I succeeded.

8:10 PM  

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